It's been a while...

  

So, today has been National Coming Out Day in the UK. I can’t come up with the words, so I’ve stolen this from someone from Tumblr. Because it’s succinct and I couldn’t have said it better if I tried.

“Okay. So here’s the deal. It’s national coming out day. Coming out is a rewarding and challenging thing to do, but there seems to be this misconception that you only come out once. Like you announce it over a loud speaker and then from that point forward everybody just knows. But that’s not true. Once you come out, you have to keep coming out. Over and over again. You have to come out to each new person you meet. You have to come out to old friends you haven’t seen in a while. You have to come out to each family member and then to extended family. You start to wonder how many people know. How far the information has made it down the grapevine. It’s hard. It’s like being stuck in a game of Russian roulette that you never agreed to. Each time you start to speak up, the gun lowers to your head and you wait. You hold your breath. You wonder what’s coming. AN empty chamber? Or a bullet – right where it hurts. Every single time you make your speech, preface the expression of your sexuality, you think “Is this the day somebody I care about tells me I’m going to hell? Is this the day I finally hit the brick wall?” Coming to grips with ANY sexual identity isn't easy. But it’s worse when it’s swathed in a layer of fear. And sometimes that fear isn't optional. Sometimes that fear is warranted. But fear is often a choice. You can choose to let it define you, or you can choose to define yourself. And I choose the latter. Here goes nothing.

I’m gay

There. I said it. Did the sky fall? No. Did the sun explode? I won’t know for another eight minutes, but probably not. If you’re still reading this, the sun did not explode.”

It carries on, and is incredibly well written and moving and beautiful and brave. You’re probably wondering what my point is. My point is: I’m bisexual.

I can’t pinpoint exactly when I knew, but I’d been struggling with it for years. I recently came out to my best friend while we were in Germany, drunk on strong German beer in Oktoberfest. And it was such a relief. It was nice to be able to talk to someone about it.

So, there it is. That’s me. 

Reading

This is so right.

I will fully admit that I do not read enough.

This is such a change from when I was younger though - I had dozens and dozens of books and my family have always said how my nose was stuck in a book and how I used to read at the speed of light. However in this digital age, I have found myself more & more engrossed in social media, taking myself away from the books I used to love.

So, last Monday, on the Bank Holiday, I set myself up in the garden - I had a beer, I had the sun, I had Hugh Laurie's album on Spotify and I had the Great Gatsby - which I read in the entire afternoon. I've not done that in a while - immersed myself in a book so entirely that I've finished it in one sitting. But there was something compelling about the Great Gatsby - I adored the imagery, Fitzgerald's use of colours. I could picture everything. I believe that's the sign of a good book. When you're not just reading the words - you feel like you're there and you're watching it all happen. I was transported to West Egg. I could palpably feel Gatsby's pain - rejected by the woman he loves because he didn't have money. So he builds this life, has this mansion, throws big, bright, beautiful parties, full of nameless, faceless people & is just living on the hope that one day, Daisy may walk into one of his parties.

At the moment, I'm working on The Picture of Dorian Gray. Then it'll be Huckleberry Finn and then Catch-22. Possibly 1984 after that. The feeling a of a good book in your hands cannot be replaced.

"I felt a haunting loneliness sometimes, and felt it in others--young clerks in the dusk, wasting the most poignant moments of night and life."

Social Networking vs Relationships - Round One...

I know I haven’t blogged in a while, but sitting on the sofa, still quite hungover from a drunken night in with the best friend, suddenly I felt the urge.

Today, I want to touch upon two points: one is if an honest relationship can still be maintained in this modern age of social networking and internet dating and two is slightly tangential to the first – relationships established on the Internet, be it via Twitter, Facebook or the myriad amount of dating sites there are on the internet nowadays.

My best friend (who shall remain nameless, to respect her privacy) recently split up with her boyfriend after finding numerous incriminating messages between him & another woman on his Facebook. A two and a half year relationship completely destroyed by this boy’s lack of integrity & respect. This brings in our first issue – can an honest and open relationship still be maintained in this modern age where Facebook and Twitter is our main method of communication? My answer? Yes, I believe it can. This devastating turn of events was not brought on by the fact that he was messaging someone else on Facebook, but by this man’s total lack of morality. Of course, Facebook didn’t make it any better, but I strongly believe that if it hadn’t been Facebook, if Facebook wasn’t as globally popular as it is or, better yet, didn’t exist altogether, he still would’ve found a way to betray my friend.

Then we can look at celebrity scandals – one that jumps to mind is the comedian Jason Manford. I will say this now - I don’t know the ins and outs of these scandals and this is not an attempt to defame him -  this is just my opinion. Jason Manford is married with children. Yet twice he has been found to be exchanging “flirty” private messages with women via Twitter. In 2010, they were sent to a 22-year old fan, who claimed that he’d asked her to send him racy pictures of herself and sent her messages that she described as being “sexually explicit”. This year, it was revealed that he’d been messaging another woman. Again, these messages were described as being sexually explicit and allegedly date back to late 2011. He laughed this off, describing it as playful banter.

This could be seen as the perils of fame – we will never know if these two women returned fire, whether they initiated it or if they ever tried to stop it. However, we can deduce something about Manford’s personality – that he is devious and immensely arrogant. To betray someone who loves you is abhorrent. And he has done this twice – by sending the first set of messages, he has taken advantage of the fact that he has someone at home who loves him. By sending the second set, he has taken advantage of the fact that she forgave him the first time.

My friend was in a very similar situation – there have been a number of occasions where her ex-boyfriend had basically betrayed her – sending messages to other girls, sleeping with a friend of a friend and other various dalliances. When my friend first found out, she was understandably devastated. He then lied his way out of these situations and my friend forgave him. This, I think, set off the green light in his head – made him think “She’s forgiven me for these situations, now I can go and screw anything that moves”.

To sum up, yes, I think an honest relationship can be maintained in the modern age – it just depends on the morals of the people in the relationship.

Now, to go off on a tangent, I want to explore my second point – relationships that are established via the Internet, be it social networking or a dating site and if they can work. This bit is going to be long and rambling, so I apologise in advance. But stick with me, there will be a point somewhere in these words. It is no secret that I am a member of match.com and have been, on and off, for the last three years and it’s basically been an unmitigated disaster – I’ve only ever met two people from Match, both with the same name incidentally. I started talking to Man One in July 2010 – we met up in the August of 2010, and up until that point had been IM-ing and texting each other every day. I am not ashamed to say that I fell for him straight away – as someone who hadn’t had a relationship at all, I was caught up in his pet names and his charm and his beautiful blue eyes. After we met, we talked even more up until September when we had a big falling out over me trying to define what we were. We then started talking again in December of the same year – he was, to put it delicately, my first. We had a couple of illicit rendezvous’ and then stopped talking. I then stepped away from Match until January of last year when I, hobbling and bruised, threw myself back into the fray. I started talking to Man Two pretty much straight away and we met after about four weeks. I knew as soon as I met him that we weren’t meant to be – he was a gentleman, extremely nice – but we just didn’t click. After that, I left again, not wanting to be disappointed anymore. I stayed away until the October of last year, and I’ve been on ever since. And honestly? It’s been a series of disappointments. I’ll start talking to someone who seems nice and then they just…stop talking. I won’t tar them all with the same brush though – one of them did actually say to me that he was so busy with working & studying at the same time, he barely had any spare time to talk and that he didn’t want to do just stop talking to me. He was the nicest out of everyone I’ve spoken to on there – honest, friendly and geeky (also, the only person out of my friends and family that I’ve given the link to this blog to – if, by any tiny chance you’re reading this, hi – I miss talking to you, so drop me a message sometime J). 

But then I look at the success stories – and one in particular. Another one of my best friends met her boyfriend of over a year via Twitter – they’d known each other for ages, but only got together in the February of last year, after she’d broken up with her long-term boyfriend. As soon as I saw them together, I knew it was meant to be – they just fit. They are both absolutely gorgeous but don’t know it, they are both quirky & geeky and they are absolutely bloody adorable together.

I think this is where social networking actually wins – with dating sites, you go on them with the sole objective of getting into a relationship. On social networking sites, like Twitter or Facebook, you can start talking to someone, with no intention of trying to go out with them. You can be talking for months and months, with no ulterior motive and a relationship can just develop slowly. It’s lovely and it’s honest.

People say that it’s a shame that couples don’t just get together in the traditional way anymore – that they don’t meet in a pub or in a park or on the street, go on dates and establish a relationship. I think it’s entirely the opposite – I think it’s a bit beautiful. I love that we’re developing a whole new way of getting to know a person, that we’re challenging the existing rules of relationships and changing them into something that is modernised but still works.  We’ve proved that these relationships can, and do, work – long may it continue.

Excitement!

So, as many of you may know (if the last blog didn't spell it out ;) ), I lost my job on the 28th February. Not feeling too enthused with the job scene in Bournemouth, I made a pretty massive decision.

I'm moving to London.

I finally made the decision over the weekend, after holding out for the whole week, looking but not applying for jobs. Then my sister came down over the weekend and I immediately knew what I had to do. So that's it. I'm moving away. I couldn't be more excited - living there, working there. I'm not expecting much, but I can't wait for the change. Jobs have been applied for, potential flat-shares have been scouted. It's happening!

BREAKING NEWS

     It was confirmed today that Daisy Mowels, currently of Nationwide United, is not having her contract renewed. Speaking to her blog after the news, Mowels said “Obviously I’m gutted not to be staying, but me & the gaffer sat down and discussed my options and decided this was the best decision for me at this point in my career”.

     Mowels, who is 24 and has been with Utd since May 2011, has sparked interest amongst local businesses but won’t confirm anything at the moment.

     “I think it would be unprofessional of me at this point to divulge who is trying to sign me up, but there are a few interested parties. One thing I can say is that joining AFC Job Centre is completely out of the question.”

We will keep you updated as we get the news.

Just a quickie...

One of the best things ever is making a playlist for a party & have everyone raving about how good it is.

I know that sounds like a pretty boastful thing to say, but given how much I love music & love making playlists, having people compliment me on them is an absolute joy.

Muse :D

You know what, I'm going to do the whole describe-my-whole-day thing, because a) I want to and b) it started off a bit shit and then got 100% better so you kinda need to read the whole thing.

First thing that went wrong - a minute away from the station, Mum goes "Did you remember your railcard?". SHIT. NO. Buggering wank! That was about my reaction. Then I remember (or at least think I remember) that I bought an adult instead so calmed down. Printed off ticket and what does it have on it? Y-P, in big black letters. Yep. No railcard with me and not enough time to get it to the station, so I had to suck it up and buy a whole new ticket. £171 down the drain, just like that.

Second thing that went wrong? My train got cancelled. Someone got hit by/threw themselves in front of the train near Southampton and it didn't have time to get back to Bmth, get cleaned  and leave again so it went from Southampton instead. YAY. So had to get the next train which set me back an hour so I was panicking my arse off. And what else did that mean? Say it with me children - BUYING A WHOLE NEW TICKET WAS A TOTAL AND UTTER WASTE OF TIME.

Last thing that went wrong - Google Maps can go suck a dick. Directions from station to hotel said 4 minute walk MAXIMUM. I was walking for about 20 minutes before I had to give up and ring the hotel so I could get directions. All in all, took me about half an hour to get there.

Now that's the moaning over with - here comes the good bit :D

The arena was a 10 minute walk, if that, from the hotel. Got there at about 2:45 and just sat there reading Catching Fire while I waited for the box office to open. Then all of a sudden, there was a massive surge towards the door. Were they letting us in now? An hour and a half early? No. They turned the lights on. Then I noticed that people were coming from the box office, envelopes in grubby hands, so got the lovely people behind me to save my place and ran over to get mine.

They actually let us in at about 5 and all of us that had been near the front of the queue got shepherded in to the corridor leading to the arena. Again, sat there, reading Catching Fire and eating chips. Then, at about 5:55 everyone got up and squeezed forward. Then they let us in. As I've said before, the walk from the entrance to the arena to the barrier is the longest walk ever. I power-walked my ass over there and got to the barrier, to the right of the stage, in front of a platform on which both Matt and Chris would later perform.

Got chatting to the people next to me - a father & daughter from Milton Keynes who were lovely and as enthusiastic and mental about Muse as me.

We were there waiting for about an hour & a half, and then the amazing The Joy Formidable came on. Not a band I've seen before but my GOD, they were awesome. I've now got a massive girl crush on Ritzy Bryan and basically love their drummer & bassist. After I've finished writing this and listening to the Muse set-list constantly, I will find everything they've ever performed and listen to it over and over again.

So. They went off at about 8:20 and everything started to come together for Muse. You could see the photographers gathering to the side, ready to get the million-pound shot. The lighting blokes got winched up onto the lighting rig. Dom's drumkit got unveiled (it was awesome, btw). SHIT WAS ABOUT TO GO DOWN.

And go down it did. I didn't notice the time - think it may have been around 9pm - and the lights went down and immediately a scream went up from the crowd.

Morgan Nicholls, Muse's "extra" member (I say that because he's only on tours/live shows) came on and The 2nd Law: Unsustainable started. What a way to start the show.

The boys then came on & another scream went up from the crowd. If you haven't heard Unsustainable (which you need to NOW btw), it's basically dubstep with instruments. Everyone went a little bit mental, as did Matt, throwing his guitar around the stage, while Chris, ever the strong silent sane type, stayed by Dom and hand-banged along in his adorable way.

Next up was Supremacy which was just...amazing. Matt's voice record-perfect, as always - how he manages to hit those high notes so perfectly, I will never understand. Like, EVER. Just...every single time. Even though it's still a relatively new song, the whole crowd sung every. single. word back at them (something I will always mention, in every single blog/gig review I write, because that sound, to me, is the best sound in the world). Matt milked the adoration, standing smack bang in the middle of the stage during the guitar solo in the middle of the song, making his guitar just sing.

Next up - Hysteria. I don't think anyone was expecting this - anyone who'd dug out the playlist from the first show expected it to be Maps of the Problematique. Not that anyone complained - in fact, as soon as that mental bass rift started, everyone just went...insane.

This was then followed by Resistance - one of my favourite songs to see performed live. I love the drums, I love the bass, I love everything about it. This was closely followed by Supermassive Black Hole - another one of my favourites (well, anything where Chris sings live is a bonus really). Again, the crowd just erupted. And why wouldn't they? The song's bloody immense! When the Wolstenbeast chanted "Glaciers melting in the dead of night and the superstars sucked into the super-massive", there was hardly anyone (around me anyway!) who didn't sing it along with him.

After this, they then went on to perform three tracks from the new album - Panic Station, a funky, jazzy, behemoth of a song, Animals - a song about corporate greed, backed by beautiful guitars, coupled with a video on the giant pyramid above of a power-hungry businessman, with some vicious lyrics (Kill yourself/come on, and do us all a favour) and Explorers - a song no doubt inspired by the lullabies Matt is now singing to his little one, but with lyrics that scream Muse (Hear the engines roar/And save our crops from drought/But when the black gold's in doubt/There's none left for you or for me).

Next up, Matt teases "We're going to play an old bastard now, from our first album"

And launches into the piano intro for Sunburn.

Proceed everyone screaming (yes, literally screaming - my ears are still ringing) along every word. This was followed by another tried and tested crowd pleaser - Time Is Running Out.

Next up, Liquid State - yet another from the new album, but written and performed by Chris. And it's fantastic. He's got a gorgeous voice - much softer than Matt's, with far less range but stunning all the same.

(look at him go! What a wee cutie <3)

Matt, leaving the stage to Chris, went & played alongside Dom, then proceeded to walk around the walkway (yes, there was a walkway around the back of the stage), towards the left and then towards the right - towards me. I managed to get a couple of pictures, but they're both of his arse (not my fault! He turned at the wrong moment).

Next was Madness - the first single released from The 2nd Law. Matt donned, what I have named, his Lady GaGa sunglasses - ones that have the words coming up on them? Yeah, those. Proceeded to sing into the camera for the majority of the song.

This song is just...fantastic live. Hearing him sing "I NEED YOUR LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE" at the end damn near broke my heart. I have never heard a more emotive singer.

Next up was yet another song from the new album - Follow Me. A song that I immediately fell in love with on first listen because it uses the sounds of Matt's son's heartbeat from an ultrasound on the beginning, which I love. It's a song obviously written for Bing - he can't deny it. Just incredible.

Then, the moment that spawned the blog post from earlier - Undisclosed Desires.

Matt had left the important job of, y'know, playing the instruments up to Morgan, Chris and Dom while he ran around the stage - singing right in Dom's face to coming up behind Chris (who, by this point, was back on the platform in front of me), then bouncing down to...oh my god, where's he going? OMFG, HE'S GETTING OFF THE STAGE AND IS STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE CROWD. Oh Jesus, he's right in front of me. He's gone. Now he's back. OHMIGOD, HE JUST GRABBED MY HAND. MATT FUCKING BELLAMY GRABBED MY HAND. I'M NEVER WASHING AGAIN.

Was my reaction.

After that (by which point I was basically a gibbering mess and, without realising it, not using my left hand properly), was Plug In Baby - the crowd went insane for this one. Bouncing everywhere and not letting Matt singing the chorus, just belting it out as loud as we could. Then it was Stockholm Syndrome, which Matt performed on the platform in front of us - just when I thought I wasn't going to get any good pictures of that man, he goes and does that.

At the end of this song, the band converged around Dom and the inverted pyramid seemed to come down and "eat" them, signalling the end of the main show. Chants of "We want more!" rang out around the arena. And more there was. Matt & Chris came back on and started playing Uprising, with the pyramid still surrounding Dom. And then a projection started - one of Dom fending of men in suits, like a ninja, in a red jumpsuit. Then the pyramid went up and there he was - wearing the red jumpsuit. Following this, Knights of Cydonia, which was just absolutely incredible, as always.

Then they went off AGAIN. And once more, chants of "We want more!" echoed around me. So, back on they came and launched themselves, heart & soul, into Starlight. Just another one of my favourite songs to see performed live, because it is a song that will never fail to lift your spirits - ever.

They then finished off on Survival, the song that was written for the Olympics, but has almost frightening undertones (You were warned and didn't listen and So I told you). And what a perfect song this was to finish up on. Yet another behemoth of a song, you can't help but sing along. Chris then stood on the stage in front of us, puffs of smoke enveloping him. Then it came for that moment - the moment when Matt has to hit the highest note a man has ever had to try and hit in the history of the world ever (slight exaggeration...) - and he did. Perfectly.

And then it was the end. We filed out of the arena, dazed, confused and elated. I staggered out of the arena, phoning my dad (my first words were a husky "I touched Matt Bellamy") and back to the hotel. I went to sleep reasonably quickly - my feet still hurting and my ear still ringing. But ecstatic.

That's the feeling you get when you see Muse - a feeling of absolute euphoria, coupled with an unexpected grief afterwards. They've done it again though - put on another absolutely EPIC show and blown me away.

Matthew Bellamy, Christopher Wolstenholme & Dominic Howard - I salute you.

*speechless*

MATT BELLAMY GRABBED MY HAND LAST NIGHT.

(There will be a proper blog about the gig later, I just wanted to post this)

Update, because I'm rubbish

Hi guys!

Sorry I haven't been writing more. Haven't really had the inclination to be honest! But I'm back :)

Wow, it's been an eventful couple of months. Reading back in August, which was amazing as ever ^__^ Managed to see some of my favourite bands ever & fall in love even more with music. The Cure were absolutely incredible - it was a joy to watch them. Lullaby, Lovesong & Just Like Heaven were beyond perfection. Saw Feeder on the Festival Republic stage & they were, of course, epic. Played all of the popular songs, with a few new ones thrown in - two months later, I can still hear everyone chanting the intro to Buck Rogers, urging them to play it. When they did, the tent fair exploded. And then I saw Foo Fighters. Too many words to describe them. Dave Grohl was...amazing, the set list inspired. When Dave Grohl dedicated These Days to Kurt, I welled up. The emotion in the crowd was palpable. They then finished on Everlong - the perfect ending to a perfect weekend of music.

Unfortunately, since then, things have gone downhill.

On Friday 21st September, my incredible grandma passed away from a pulmonary embolism. She'd been in a home for a few months before and, luckily, I'd managed to see her the week before. My mum had been  reading to her and she was just...happy. That is the memory I'll keep of her. I'll always remember having dinner at her house on a Monday after school - me & my sister would banish my brother to the kitchen to watch Pokemon and we'd be in the living room watching Byker Grove or Grange Hill, and then we'd have dinner, which would inevitably be some kind of pie, with home-made pastry and roasties. We'd talk about our day and Grandma would listen with the endless patience she always had. Just little memories like that. That's how I'll remember her her.

Now...things should be getting better.

This weekend, we're going to the Lake District, staying in a gorgeous little village called Bassenthwaite. Neil, who I mentioned in my previous post, was an avid walker - so my family & his family and some other close friends are going up there for the weekend. And then his ashes are going to be sprinkled on Helvellyn, which is pretty amazing. Me & my mum aren't though (both of us have problems with our knees, so it wouldn't really be sensible!) - so instead, we're going to potter around for the day. These pictures are why I'm looking forward to it:

That is Bassenthwaite Lake. Beautiful, innit?

So that's this week.

Then two weeks tomorrow, I'm seeing Muse again :D And I am MASSIVELY excited. I might also be seeing them the next day in  London, to see them do a live recording for Radio 2. That would be INCREDIBLE.

And lastly, at the beginning of November, I'm going up to Belper to have, what will inevitably be, a very drunken weekend with people I work with at Reading & people who work at Leeds, Latitude & Big Chill. It's going to be much-o fun-o.

ANYWAY.

Hope you enjoyed :D

In a reflective mood...

Well, hi, everyone. I do apologise for not writing sooner. There is not much going on in my life that I feel has been worthy of a blog post. Until now.

On Thursday morning, a long-term family friend, Neil, passed away of cancer. It started last year, in his pancreas. It then spread like a wildfire through a lot of his body, until it finally took him over. It feels odd to be writing this. Neil, even though he lived in Essex, was ever present. If we held a party, we would always invite him & his wife Lesley. My parents went on walking holidays with them all the time, even when the cancer was tightening it's vile, malicious grip. It feels odd knowing that we will never see him again. Never see him doting on his beloved dog Libby, or laughing with my parents.

The last time I saw him was in March. I couldn't get over how healthy, how full of life he looked. The last time I had seen him before that was on New Years Eve and he looked a shadow of his former self. Then to see him looking so...healthy shocked us all. We all knew the cancer was terminal. We all thought he had at least 6 months left in him. But then it was found in April that the cancer had spread to his duodenum. He couldn't eat. He couldn't drink. My parents went up to see him last weekend and to hear how close this vibrant, life-loving man was to succumbing to this awful disease was heart-breaking. We then got the news, early on Thursday morning, that he had passed away. It's hard to see your parents cry, to hear the grief in their voices.

This got me to thinking. We moan about our jobs. We cry over men. We spend hours & hours doing things like this without thinking that the vast majority of us have something that so many people out there crave - the opportunity to live, the knowledge that there isn't something dark hovering over us, waiting to eat us whole. So, I have made a vow. Not to moan about my job. Not to moan about being single. But to embrace life. Whether this means going travelling, taking that one leap of faith and telling someone how you feel about them or finally getting that dream job, the one you are eager to get to every morning, I don't know. But all I know is that I no longer want to wallow in self pity, as has been my wont recently.

So this is my message to everyone. Go out there and live and be thankful for every day you have.

My future home...

The Home Decor page on Pinterest is my porn..

The top one is definitely my favourite...it looks so cosy ^__^

(P.S. Sorry for the lack of blogging recently...I have just started a new job role at work and it's left me too bushed to do anything other than sleep and tweet)

Snow Patrol - LIVE :D

There are too many words to describe how incredible this gig was. Having never seen Snow Patrol live before, I didn't know what to expect. Man, I wasn't disappointed.

Got to the BIC at just past 5, having gone straight from work. Chatted with some lovely people in the queue (who, by the way, I hope I'm as cool as when I'm their age) and finally got let in at about half 6. I will always maintain that the walk from the doors to the barrier feels like the longest walk of your life. But I got there. Right on the barrier, just to the right of the middle. What a place. 

Everything Everything came on at 7:45 - one of the best support bands I've ever seen (apart from Hurts...Hurts were awesome). Dressed  in matching grey jumpsuits, they launched into what I can only describe as electronica/indie/disco madness. They were absolutely amazing. The lead singer, Jonathan Higgs, has a voice that cannot be described, nor would anyone be able to mimic it. His range is incredible - falsetto notes were hit with no problem, though they would make his diction go to shit. The bassist,  Jeremy Pritchard, treated his bass like I hope he would never treat a woman - slapped it like a good 'un and threw it around the stage with gay abandon (he was also a bit gorgeous - quiffed, slender and beautiful).

They left the stage at around 8:30 and there was a flurry of activity on stage, ripping away guitars, keyboards & drumkits at the speed of light. Everything Everything's banner came down and revealed, what looked like, a relatively simple set up (apart from the sheer amount of everything) on a slightly raised platform, in front of a plain black backdrop.

As the time edged closer and closer to 9pm, the atmosphere in the arena grew to fever pitch. An excited buzz of conversation, a few excited whoops here and there. Then the music, which had been a pleasant background noise, got turned suddenly up, with Franz Ferdinand's Take Me Out blasting out over the speakers.

As the last notes of that faded out, the lights went down and, what had looked like a plain black backdrop, burst into colour - a massive screen behind the stage, flashing random images. The band on the platform took to the stage first, playing the opening notes of I'll Never Let Go. Then Nathan Connolly, Paul Wilson and a skinny, lanky Gary Lightbody took to the stage, Lightbody tightly hugging the stage-hand that had shone their way onto the stage. He grabbed the mic from the stand and suddenly bent double, staggering, swaying. Then the opening line of I'll Never Let Go escaped his lips - as perfect and as pure as the record. And from that moment on, I had a smile on my face that I didn't lose until I fell asleep. The rest of the crowd seemed as enraptured as I, singing the lyrics back to him, the collective power of our WHOAs seeming to almost knock Gary off balance. As the end of the song came around, he staggered over to Nathan Connolly and put an arm around his neck - and forehead to forehead, they sang the last minute of the song.

A roar went up as the song finished and the always effervescent Lightbody, a huge smile on his face, turned to the crowd and in his beautiful Irish lilt "A'right, Bournemouth, how're ye doin'?! This is Take Back The City". And with that they launched into the hit from A Hundred Million Songs that got the crowd bouncing, and left us breathless and exhilarated. Finishing that, they went straight into Hands Open - it must've been a picture, seeing us from that stage - 6000 odd people, all with hands outstretched and, indeed, open, singing every single lyric back at them. Then they took it back down again with another single from their new album - This Isn't Everything You Are - easily one of my favourite tracks from Fallen Empires. As the guitar & piano led in the song, I found myself with tears in my eyes. Not because the track is overly sad - but because I was there and I was watching it and I was watching them. Singing every single word, I wanted to burst with happiness. Then they took it back down one more notch with Run, possibly the song that everyone associates Snow Patrol with, hence how they get their boring reputation - but they proved everyone wrong with this song. Lightbody couldn't get a word in edgeways - we were singing the first verse for him. A huge smile on his face, he took his place back at the mic for the chorus, wanting to get the song back. 

"Light up, light up as if you have a choice - even if you cannot hear my voice, I'll be right beside you, dear"

As the song ended, and the cheers died down from the crowd he stated "I saw a lot of smiles on faces during that song - and that's a hard thing to achieve!" and pointing out a man in the crowd "You win this round sir!" for having the biggest grin on his face. They then went into Crack the Shutters - another song I adore. And then they played In The End, another song from Fallen Empires - a song the crowd adored and, despite it being new and relatively near the end of the album, sang every word, every syllable, along with the band.

Next, they played Set The Fire To The Third Bar - and managed to find the perfect person to fill the shoes of Martha Wainwright. Their voices curled round each other, tangled, complimenting each other. 

For the life of me, I cannot remember what the backing singer's name was - but she was fantastic. Hitting every note perfectly, she was incredible to watch and to listen to. The Garden Rules came up next - with Gary proclaiming it his favourite record he's ever written - and you can see why. Its simplicity is what makes it beautiful. With just a guitar, a piano and his voice, it makes it one of the most perfect songs I've ever seen performed. Next up was Shut Your Eyes - again, nothing less than fantastic. Near the end of the song, the band kept going, with just a bit of a backing track. Gary Lightbody then walked the stage, proclaiming that one of the best forms of therapy was shouting "YES!" as loud as you can. So we did. He then encouraged us all to finish the song with him - all 6000 of us singing "Shut your eyes and sing to me" over and over. Then the beautiful guitars that herald the beginning of Chasing Cars came in and man, did everyone go a bit mental. Again, he didn't have the chance to sing the chorus - we all sang it for him.

Then came Chocolate - my absolute favourite Snow Patrol song - and I sang like my life depended on it. From Final Straw, it is one of the songs that pulled me up from the depths of grief after my cousin died - it will always hold a special place in my heart. That was then quickly followed by Called Out In The Dark - the audience chanting the chorus of "We are listening and we're not blind" like a mantra. Fallen Empires, the title track from the album, came up next - Nathan Connolly playing what looked like a mandolin (I could be mistaken!) which was quickly taken over by synths and the drummer getting up and playing a massive kettle drum. It was fantastic, and mad, the lighting reflecting this - mental, strobing - pretty damn awesome. 

Finishing the song, they said their thank you's, as if the next song was the last, and launched into You're All I Have. Gary seemed to enjoy performing this one the most - when he wasn't making amazing sounds coming out of his guitar, he bounced around the stage - as he sang the line "There is a darkness deep in you - a frightening magic I cling to", he seemed to stop and take a minute just to gaze out at the crowd. Then as the guitars crashed back in, he was back to reality and singing his lungs out. They left the stage to rapturous applause - only to come back on for the expected encore two minutes later. This time, only Gary, Nathan and the piano player came back to the stage. A single spotlight on Gary, he stood centre stage with just an acoustic guitar and played Lifening. This is another one of my favourite songs from Fallen Empires. It's simple, but the lyrics are beautiful - "this is all I've ever wanted from life" never seemed truer than at that moment. Next, from Eyes Open, was Open Your Eyes. I love this song - the simple guitars for a minute, then the drums, building it up, Gary Lightbody's beautiful voice earnest and filled with longing. The rest of the guitars crashed in and Gary was catapulting himself round the stage, going over to join Nathan, and then Paul and then back to the mic to sing the last, beautiful seconds.

Last, but by no means least, was Just Say Yes. And it was the perfect song to go out on. Did I neglect to mention that they had a giant snow flake above the stage? Well, they did. And it strobed with the beats of the song, flashing up pictures of the band, the crowd. As Gary sang "Please take my hand", all you could see were hands outstretched towards him, willing to be that person who would. As the song slowed down, Lightbody came and sat at the edge of the stage, about 3 feet away from me - everyone reaching out for him. An exhausted smile on his face, his lilting tones turned all the women in the audience to mush. As the song resumed it's normal pace, he was back on his feet, no longer bouncing around the stage as he had been, but still ever the showman. 

The song ended and the band, obviously exhausted, stumbled off-stage, shouting thank you's at the audience, Nathan Connolly throwing his plectrums into the crowd, Paul Wilson following suit. The lights stayed down and on two "arms" of the snow flake were scrawled the words "Snow Patrol <3 Bournemouth"

I stumbled out of the arena, an ecstatic smile still on my face. I phoned my dad and found my voice was hoarse from all the cheering and singing I'd been doing. 

I can honestly say that this gig was one of the best I've ever been to. And that's saying a lot. The pride that the band showed and the utter joy in the way they performed was incredible to see. The crowd interaction was amazing, the set-list inspired. If anyone says to you that Snow Patrol are boring - they've obviously never seen them live.

This is a band that I've been a fan of for almost 8 years. I can't believe it took me so long to get to see them live. But it was well worth the wait. This is a concert that I won't forget for a very, very long time.

Happy days :)

So, today has marked a monumental turning point for me...for the last five years, I have been so crippled with doubt and paranoia about everyone staring at my "problem" that I've had to wear make-up everywhere...even if it was to go to the shop when hungover, I would still put on full make-up.

Today...I didn't. And I'm SO happy that I haven't. And yes, I have left the house.

This honestly fills me with more confidence than I've ever had. This shows that my treatment is actually WORKING. I've still got five more appointments to go and I've got such a good feeling about it ^__^

Something to hide?

OK, so I may have exaggerated when I said this blog post "might make some of you think less of me". I'll elaborate - any immensely shallow people who read this blog might think less of me. To be fair, I think you're all lovely, not overly judgemental people, so I'll probably be OK ;) This is something I've never blogged about before - I've never even told my friends about this. This is immensely personal.

First, let me give you a bit of a history. Since I was about 14 years old, I've suffered from PCOS - Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. Believe me when I say, it's a bitch - just when us women thought "OK, we've got periods and childbirth, we can handle that - no more", Mother Nature gets her time of the month and decides to throw PCOS in there just to make the lives of the unlucky minority just that bit worse. Inexplicable pain around "that time", increased chance of infertility and - the bane of my life - hirsuitism. Wikipedia describes this as "the excessive hairiness on women in those parts of the body where terminal hair does not normally occur or is minimal" - sounds awful, doesn't it? It is. Since the age of 14, this has been my life. And it has been horrific.  In my case, it's on my neck and my chin - it's not as bad as others I've seen, but it's still horrible to deal with. There used to be so many times I turned things down, made up excuses to avoid going out - all to avoid people seeing it.

I have since matured - learnt to hide it, learnt to live with it. The way I see it, it's a part of me - it's been a part of me for 9 years. This does not, by any stretch of the imagination, mean I don't still hate this thing. This is the reason it takes me ages to get ready to go anywhere, the reason I wear quite a bit of make-up, the reason I constantly wear scarves. I would love for this not to be the case anymore - I've seen my face without make-up and my skin is pretty damn gorgeous , even if I say so myself - apart from the problem area.

So, dear readers, I decided to do something about it. Well, my mum & aunty did, but I want SOME of the credit please. You've all heard of Groupon, right? Well, basically, my aunty found a "Groupon" for reduced IPL treatment - intense pulsed light. It's similar to laser treatment - but faster and cheaper. It's basically a specially constructed xenon flash lamp and focusing optics (thanks Wikipedia!). An intense beam of light is applied to the area - that is then converted to heat and burns the root and the entire shaft of the hair.  I had my first session tonight - it bloody hurt! Imagine someone flicking your face over and over again with an elastic band...that kind of pain. Not agonising, but just irritating. But all the time I was thinking how worth it it's going to be - it's not going to be a cure all, it's not going to permanantly remove the hair, just reduce it - but that's what I want. I can't wait to be able to wake up next to someone and not have the first thought be - "Shit, my chin!". Can't wait not to have to spend at least £50 a month, if not more, on make-up to conceal it. The pain is worth it if I'm going to be able to have a close to normal life.

This has actually been one of the hardest posts I've ever had to write. I have never written anything so personal before! So, I hope you all enjoyed it :)

2012

Wow. Cannot believe it's 2012 already! I hope you wonderful people had a fabulous Christmas and an epic and drunken New Year's Eve xD

I've always said that I'll never make resolutions because I know me, I'll never stick to them. This year, however, is different. I'm tired of not sticking to anything! So. This year, I will:

- Teach myself bass - it has been sitting in my room, unused and unloved for God knows how long. This year, I will make sure that I get good at it. Not Chris Wolstenholme good, just...good.

- Take risks - not crazy, life-threatening risks, but ones that give you a buzz when they pay off. I already have this year and it paid off. Good inspiration for the rest of the year, eh?

- Read more - I spend too much time in front of a computer or a TV or on my lovely iPhone - I resolve to set myself some time every day to shun technology and just read. I promise.

- Spend more time with my friends - I am all too aware that me and my friends don't spend enough time together. I miss them all so much. This year, I want to make more memories with them. I had one on one time with my best friend in the world on Saturday night and we talked about...just everything. I miss that. We also had a joint coughing fit in front of the whole restaurant we were in and if that's not true friendship, I don't know what is =P

- Be happy - I spent a lot of last year miserable. I will not spend this year like that. I am determined not to. Whether that means changing jobs, finding new music or someone wonderful, I don't know.

That's pretty much it to be honest!

Hope you're all well and I promise to blog more soon! (maybe that should be another resolution...).

xxx

Wakey!Wakey!

(Sorry for leaving this for so long...I haven't been busy, just lazy)

I am loathe to admit that I discovered my new musical love through an American teen drama. But I did. This is Wakey!Wakey! aka Michael Grubbs. He was in One Tree Hill for a short time (yes, I love OTH - shush).

There's not much I can say about him that wouldn't be stolen from another online blog or Wikipedia. Apart from this -this is piano-based indie rock at it's finest. Honest, raw and beautiful.

My favourite song? Either Brooklyn or Dance So Good.

This is Brooklyn. Listen to this. Then find everything ever written or sung by Wakey!Wakey! on Spotify. It'll change your life.

Books

I've just started reading One Day. I hate reading a book after seeing the film because it ruins it for me. Books made into films invariably miss out huge chunks, massive, important plotlines (one example: Frankenstein. If you like the book, don't see the film. You'll hate it). So, I wanted to read this first. Because I know I'm going to see the movie...mainly because I'm a sucker for a good love story, but also because I have a massive girl crush on Anne Hathaway.

 And I'm in love with it already. I love diving into the world of Dexter and Emma. When I'm reading it, I feel like I can see them in front of me, such is the quality of David Nicholls' writing. I can hear Emma's rich Yorkshire accent and Dexter's corny faux-Cockney one. I can almost...associate myself with them. When Dexter left his copy of Howards End in that bar in India, found by a fat German, with that letter to Emma tucked into the cover, I wanted to cry at the wonderful, bittersweet thought of what could've been. I'm up to 1994 now. I can't wait to read the rest, even if it does bring me to tears.

I don't read enough anymore. My world has been taken over by the Internet, my iPhone and music. I miss feeling the weight of a good book in my hands, feeling that the words in the book could possibly just change my life.

So, I've made a promise to myself. I'm going to read more. I NEED to read more.

BUT. I don't know what to read. So, suggestions are welcome :)

Oh, I do love Pinterest.

A love story with Ikea

When I am older and have more money, my entire home will be furnished by Ikea.

I ventured over to the desolate wasteland otherwise known as Southampton with Kara and her boyfriend yesterday to get some new stuff for my room. I'd already bought some stuff from there online and it was in pride of place in my room. But, like an addict craving a fix, I wanted more.

My room now looks like this:

(big cushion, throw, bedside table & fairy lights from Ikea)

It is now a place I love to spend time in, despite it being constantly freezing. And I want to make my home like that.

I want this to snuggle up with my man on and watch movies:

I want this to curl up on, listen to music and read a good book:

And I want this to be my room <3

Too much to ask for?

Ikea, you've captured my heart <3

BDD - an outsider's view

"Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) (previously known as dysmorphophobia is sometimes referred to as body dysmorphia or dysmorphic syndrome) is a (psychological) somatoform disorder in which the affected person is excessively concerned about and preoccupied by a perceived defect in his or her physical features (body image)."

I hate this disease so much. I don't have it, never have. But a couple of my friends suffer from it and I hate it so much.

I hate that they can't see how beautiful they are.

I hate that this weak, cowardly disease is ruining their relationships with other people.

It's frustrating being the friend of someone with BDD - you're constantly trying to convince them that they're beautiful, gorgeous, skinny but they won't listen. This little gremlin they've got inside their head won't let them. Constantly whispering that they're fat, and that they're ugly and making them hate what they see in the mirror.

Look at this girl. Beautiful, ain't she? She's also a right little skinny minnie. I wish I looked like her, wish I had a body like hers. She has a boyfriend who adores her, would do anything for her, tells her she's beautiful all of the time. Yet, this horrible disease doesn't let her believe it. I hope to God she starts believing soon. Because she deserves to so much. She is one of the most beautiful people I know, inside & out, and I want her to see that so much.

So, a little message to BDD - fuck you.