It's been a while...

  

So, today has been National Coming Out Day in the UK. I can’t come up with the words, so I’ve stolen this from someone from Tumblr. Because it’s succinct and I couldn’t have said it better if I tried.

“Okay. So here’s the deal. It’s national coming out day. Coming out is a rewarding and challenging thing to do, but there seems to be this misconception that you only come out once. Like you announce it over a loud speaker and then from that point forward everybody just knows. But that’s not true. Once you come out, you have to keep coming out. Over and over again. You have to come out to each new person you meet. You have to come out to old friends you haven’t seen in a while. You have to come out to each family member and then to extended family. You start to wonder how many people know. How far the information has made it down the grapevine. It’s hard. It’s like being stuck in a game of Russian roulette that you never agreed to. Each time you start to speak up, the gun lowers to your head and you wait. You hold your breath. You wonder what’s coming. AN empty chamber? Or a bullet – right where it hurts. Every single time you make your speech, preface the expression of your sexuality, you think “Is this the day somebody I care about tells me I’m going to hell? Is this the day I finally hit the brick wall?” Coming to grips with ANY sexual identity isn't easy. But it’s worse when it’s swathed in a layer of fear. And sometimes that fear isn't optional. Sometimes that fear is warranted. But fear is often a choice. You can choose to let it define you, or you can choose to define yourself. And I choose the latter. Here goes nothing.

I’m gay

There. I said it. Did the sky fall? No. Did the sun explode? I won’t know for another eight minutes, but probably not. If you’re still reading this, the sun did not explode.”

It carries on, and is incredibly well written and moving and beautiful and brave. You’re probably wondering what my point is. My point is: I’m bisexual.

I can’t pinpoint exactly when I knew, but I’d been struggling with it for years. I recently came out to my best friend while we were in Germany, drunk on strong German beer in Oktoberfest. And it was such a relief. It was nice to be able to talk to someone about it.

So, there it is. That’s me. 

Reading

This is so right.

I will fully admit that I do not read enough.

This is such a change from when I was younger though - I had dozens and dozens of books and my family have always said how my nose was stuck in a book and how I used to read at the speed of light. However in this digital age, I have found myself more & more engrossed in social media, taking myself away from the books I used to love.

So, last Monday, on the Bank Holiday, I set myself up in the garden - I had a beer, I had the sun, I had Hugh Laurie's album on Spotify and I had the Great Gatsby - which I read in the entire afternoon. I've not done that in a while - immersed myself in a book so entirely that I've finished it in one sitting. But there was something compelling about the Great Gatsby - I adored the imagery, Fitzgerald's use of colours. I could picture everything. I believe that's the sign of a good book. When you're not just reading the words - you feel like you're there and you're watching it all happen. I was transported to West Egg. I could palpably feel Gatsby's pain - rejected by the woman he loves because he didn't have money. So he builds this life, has this mansion, throws big, bright, beautiful parties, full of nameless, faceless people & is just living on the hope that one day, Daisy may walk into one of his parties.

At the moment, I'm working on The Picture of Dorian Gray. Then it'll be Huckleberry Finn and then Catch-22. Possibly 1984 after that. The feeling a of a good book in your hands cannot be replaced.

"I felt a haunting loneliness sometimes, and felt it in others--young clerks in the dusk, wasting the most poignant moments of night and life."

Social Networking vs Relationships - Round One...

I know I haven’t blogged in a while, but sitting on the sofa, still quite hungover from a drunken night in with the best friend, suddenly I felt the urge.

Today, I want to touch upon two points: one is if an honest relationship can still be maintained in this modern age of social networking and internet dating and two is slightly tangential to the first – relationships established on the Internet, be it via Twitter, Facebook or the myriad amount of dating sites there are on the internet nowadays.

My best friend (who shall remain nameless, to respect her privacy) recently split up with her boyfriend after finding numerous incriminating messages between him & another woman on his Facebook. A two and a half year relationship completely destroyed by this boy’s lack of integrity & respect. This brings in our first issue – can an honest and open relationship still be maintained in this modern age where Facebook and Twitter is our main method of communication? My answer? Yes, I believe it can. This devastating turn of events was not brought on by the fact that he was messaging someone else on Facebook, but by this man’s total lack of morality. Of course, Facebook didn’t make it any better, but I strongly believe that if it hadn’t been Facebook, if Facebook wasn’t as globally popular as it is or, better yet, didn’t exist altogether, he still would’ve found a way to betray my friend.

Then we can look at celebrity scandals – one that jumps to mind is the comedian Jason Manford. I will say this now - I don’t know the ins and outs of these scandals and this is not an attempt to defame him -  this is just my opinion. Jason Manford is married with children. Yet twice he has been found to be exchanging “flirty” private messages with women via Twitter. In 2010, they were sent to a 22-year old fan, who claimed that he’d asked her to send him racy pictures of herself and sent her messages that she described as being “sexually explicit”. This year, it was revealed that he’d been messaging another woman. Again, these messages were described as being sexually explicit and allegedly date back to late 2011. He laughed this off, describing it as playful banter.

This could be seen as the perils of fame – we will never know if these two women returned fire, whether they initiated it or if they ever tried to stop it. However, we can deduce something about Manford’s personality – that he is devious and immensely arrogant. To betray someone who loves you is abhorrent. And he has done this twice – by sending the first set of messages, he has taken advantage of the fact that he has someone at home who loves him. By sending the second set, he has taken advantage of the fact that she forgave him the first time.

My friend was in a very similar situation – there have been a number of occasions where her ex-boyfriend had basically betrayed her – sending messages to other girls, sleeping with a friend of a friend and other various dalliances. When my friend first found out, she was understandably devastated. He then lied his way out of these situations and my friend forgave him. This, I think, set off the green light in his head – made him think “She’s forgiven me for these situations, now I can go and screw anything that moves”.

To sum up, yes, I think an honest relationship can be maintained in the modern age – it just depends on the morals of the people in the relationship.

Now, to go off on a tangent, I want to explore my second point – relationships that are established via the Internet, be it social networking or a dating site and if they can work. This bit is going to be long and rambling, so I apologise in advance. But stick with me, there will be a point somewhere in these words. It is no secret that I am a member of match.com and have been, on and off, for the last three years and it’s basically been an unmitigated disaster – I’ve only ever met two people from Match, both with the same name incidentally. I started talking to Man One in July 2010 – we met up in the August of 2010, and up until that point had been IM-ing and texting each other every day. I am not ashamed to say that I fell for him straight away – as someone who hadn’t had a relationship at all, I was caught up in his pet names and his charm and his beautiful blue eyes. After we met, we talked even more up until September when we had a big falling out over me trying to define what we were. We then started talking again in December of the same year – he was, to put it delicately, my first. We had a couple of illicit rendezvous’ and then stopped talking. I then stepped away from Match until January of last year when I, hobbling and bruised, threw myself back into the fray. I started talking to Man Two pretty much straight away and we met after about four weeks. I knew as soon as I met him that we weren’t meant to be – he was a gentleman, extremely nice – but we just didn’t click. After that, I left again, not wanting to be disappointed anymore. I stayed away until the October of last year, and I’ve been on ever since. And honestly? It’s been a series of disappointments. I’ll start talking to someone who seems nice and then they just…stop talking. I won’t tar them all with the same brush though – one of them did actually say to me that he was so busy with working & studying at the same time, he barely had any spare time to talk and that he didn’t want to do just stop talking to me. He was the nicest out of everyone I’ve spoken to on there – honest, friendly and geeky (also, the only person out of my friends and family that I’ve given the link to this blog to – if, by any tiny chance you’re reading this, hi – I miss talking to you, so drop me a message sometime J). 

But then I look at the success stories – and one in particular. Another one of my best friends met her boyfriend of over a year via Twitter – they’d known each other for ages, but only got together in the February of last year, after she’d broken up with her long-term boyfriend. As soon as I saw them together, I knew it was meant to be – they just fit. They are both absolutely gorgeous but don’t know it, they are both quirky & geeky and they are absolutely bloody adorable together.

I think this is where social networking actually wins – with dating sites, you go on them with the sole objective of getting into a relationship. On social networking sites, like Twitter or Facebook, you can start talking to someone, with no intention of trying to go out with them. You can be talking for months and months, with no ulterior motive and a relationship can just develop slowly. It’s lovely and it’s honest.

People say that it’s a shame that couples don’t just get together in the traditional way anymore – that they don’t meet in a pub or in a park or on the street, go on dates and establish a relationship. I think it’s entirely the opposite – I think it’s a bit beautiful. I love that we’re developing a whole new way of getting to know a person, that we’re challenging the existing rules of relationships and changing them into something that is modernised but still works.  We’ve proved that these relationships can, and do, work – long may it continue.

Excitement!

So, as many of you may know (if the last blog didn't spell it out ;) ), I lost my job on the 28th February. Not feeling too enthused with the job scene in Bournemouth, I made a pretty massive decision.

I'm moving to London.

I finally made the decision over the weekend, after holding out for the whole week, looking but not applying for jobs. Then my sister came down over the weekend and I immediately knew what I had to do. So that's it. I'm moving away. I couldn't be more excited - living there, working there. I'm not expecting much, but I can't wait for the change. Jobs have been applied for, potential flat-shares have been scouted. It's happening!

BREAKING NEWS

     It was confirmed today that Daisy Mowels, currently of Nationwide United, is not having her contract renewed. Speaking to her blog after the news, Mowels said “Obviously I’m gutted not to be staying, but me & the gaffer sat down and discussed my options and decided this was the best decision for me at this point in my career”.

     Mowels, who is 24 and has been with Utd since May 2011, has sparked interest amongst local businesses but won’t confirm anything at the moment.

     “I think it would be unprofessional of me at this point to divulge who is trying to sign me up, but there are a few interested parties. One thing I can say is that joining AFC Job Centre is completely out of the question.”

We will keep you updated as we get the news.

Just a quickie...

One of the best things ever is making a playlist for a party & have everyone raving about how good it is.

I know that sounds like a pretty boastful thing to say, but given how much I love music & love making playlists, having people compliment me on them is an absolute joy.

Muse :D

You know what, I'm going to do the whole describe-my-whole-day thing, because a) I want to and b) it started off a bit shit and then got 100% better so you kinda need to read the whole thing.

First thing that went wrong - a minute away from the station, Mum goes "Did you remember your railcard?". SHIT. NO. Buggering wank! That was about my reaction. Then I remember (or at least think I remember) that I bought an adult instead so calmed down. Printed off ticket and what does it have on it? Y-P, in big black letters. Yep. No railcard with me and not enough time to get it to the station, so I had to suck it up and buy a whole new ticket. £171 down the drain, just like that.

Second thing that went wrong? My train got cancelled. Someone got hit by/threw themselves in front of the train near Southampton and it didn't have time to get back to Bmth, get cleaned  and leave again so it went from Southampton instead. YAY. So had to get the next train which set me back an hour so I was panicking my arse off. And what else did that mean? Say it with me children - BUYING A WHOLE NEW TICKET WAS A TOTAL AND UTTER WASTE OF TIME.

Last thing that went wrong - Google Maps can go suck a dick. Directions from station to hotel said 4 minute walk MAXIMUM. I was walking for about 20 minutes before I had to give up and ring the hotel so I could get directions. All in all, took me about half an hour to get there.

Now that's the moaning over with - here comes the good bit :D

The arena was a 10 minute walk, if that, from the hotel. Got there at about 2:45 and just sat there reading Catching Fire while I waited for the box office to open. Then all of a sudden, there was a massive surge towards the door. Were they letting us in now? An hour and a half early? No. They turned the lights on. Then I noticed that people were coming from the box office, envelopes in grubby hands, so got the lovely people behind me to save my place and ran over to get mine.

They actually let us in at about 5 and all of us that had been near the front of the queue got shepherded in to the corridor leading to the arena. Again, sat there, reading Catching Fire and eating chips. Then, at about 5:55 everyone got up and squeezed forward. Then they let us in. As I've said before, the walk from the entrance to the arena to the barrier is the longest walk ever. I power-walked my ass over there and got to the barrier, to the right of the stage, in front of a platform on which both Matt and Chris would later perform.

Got chatting to the people next to me - a father & daughter from Milton Keynes who were lovely and as enthusiastic and mental about Muse as me.

We were there waiting for about an hour & a half, and then the amazing The Joy Formidable came on. Not a band I've seen before but my GOD, they were awesome. I've now got a massive girl crush on Ritzy Bryan and basically love their drummer & bassist. After I've finished writing this and listening to the Muse set-list constantly, I will find everything they've ever performed and listen to it over and over again.

So. They went off at about 8:20 and everything started to come together for Muse. You could see the photographers gathering to the side, ready to get the million-pound shot. The lighting blokes got winched up onto the lighting rig. Dom's drumkit got unveiled (it was awesome, btw). SHIT WAS ABOUT TO GO DOWN.

And go down it did. I didn't notice the time - think it may have been around 9pm - and the lights went down and immediately a scream went up from the crowd.

Morgan Nicholls, Muse's "extra" member (I say that because he's only on tours/live shows) came on and The 2nd Law: Unsustainable started. What a way to start the show.

The boys then came on & another scream went up from the crowd. If you haven't heard Unsustainable (which you need to NOW btw), it's basically dubstep with instruments. Everyone went a little bit mental, as did Matt, throwing his guitar around the stage, while Chris, ever the strong silent sane type, stayed by Dom and hand-banged along in his adorable way.

Next up was Supremacy which was just...amazing. Matt's voice record-perfect, as always - how he manages to hit those high notes so perfectly, I will never understand. Like, EVER. Just...every single time. Even though it's still a relatively new song, the whole crowd sung every. single. word back at them (something I will always mention, in every single blog/gig review I write, because that sound, to me, is the best sound in the world). Matt milked the adoration, standing smack bang in the middle of the stage during the guitar solo in the middle of the song, making his guitar just sing.

Next up - Hysteria. I don't think anyone was expecting this - anyone who'd dug out the playlist from the first show expected it to be Maps of the Problematique. Not that anyone complained - in fact, as soon as that mental bass rift started, everyone just went...insane.

This was then followed by Resistance - one of my favourite songs to see performed live. I love the drums, I love the bass, I love everything about it. This was closely followed by Supermassive Black Hole - another one of my favourites (well, anything where Chris sings live is a bonus really). Again, the crowd just erupted. And why wouldn't they? The song's bloody immense! When the Wolstenbeast chanted "Glaciers melting in the dead of night and the superstars sucked into the super-massive", there was hardly anyone (around me anyway!) who didn't sing it along with him.

After this, they then went on to perform three tracks from the new album - Panic Station, a funky, jazzy, behemoth of a song, Animals - a song about corporate greed, backed by beautiful guitars, coupled with a video on the giant pyramid above of a power-hungry businessman, with some vicious lyrics (Kill yourself/come on, and do us all a favour) and Explorers - a song no doubt inspired by the lullabies Matt is now singing to his little one, but with lyrics that scream Muse (Hear the engines roar/And save our crops from drought/But when the black gold's in doubt/There's none left for you or for me).

Next up, Matt teases "We're going to play an old bastard now, from our first album"

And launches into the piano intro for Sunburn.

Proceed everyone screaming (yes, literally screaming - my ears are still ringing) along every word. This was followed by another tried and tested crowd pleaser - Time Is Running Out.

Next up, Liquid State - yet another from the new album, but written and performed by Chris. And it's fantastic. He's got a gorgeous voice - much softer than Matt's, with far less range but stunning all the same.

(look at him go! What a wee cutie <3)

Matt, leaving the stage to Chris, went & played alongside Dom, then proceeded to walk around the walkway (yes, there was a walkway around the back of the stage), towards the left and then towards the right - towards me. I managed to get a couple of pictures, but they're both of his arse (not my fault! He turned at the wrong moment).

Next was Madness - the first single released from The 2nd Law. Matt donned, what I have named, his Lady GaGa sunglasses - ones that have the words coming up on them? Yeah, those. Proceeded to sing into the camera for the majority of the song.

This song is just...fantastic live. Hearing him sing "I NEED YOUR LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE" at the end damn near broke my heart. I have never heard a more emotive singer.

Next up was yet another song from the new album - Follow Me. A song that I immediately fell in love with on first listen because it uses the sounds of Matt's son's heartbeat from an ultrasound on the beginning, which I love. It's a song obviously written for Bing - he can't deny it. Just incredible.

Then, the moment that spawned the blog post from earlier - Undisclosed Desires.

Matt had left the important job of, y'know, playing the instruments up to Morgan, Chris and Dom while he ran around the stage - singing right in Dom's face to coming up behind Chris (who, by this point, was back on the platform in front of me), then bouncing down to...oh my god, where's he going? OMFG, HE'S GETTING OFF THE STAGE AND IS STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE CROWD. Oh Jesus, he's right in front of me. He's gone. Now he's back. OHMIGOD, HE JUST GRABBED MY HAND. MATT FUCKING BELLAMY GRABBED MY HAND. I'M NEVER WASHING AGAIN.

Was my reaction.

After that (by which point I was basically a gibbering mess and, without realising it, not using my left hand properly), was Plug In Baby - the crowd went insane for this one. Bouncing everywhere and not letting Matt singing the chorus, just belting it out as loud as we could. Then it was Stockholm Syndrome, which Matt performed on the platform in front of us - just when I thought I wasn't going to get any good pictures of that man, he goes and does that.

At the end of this song, the band converged around Dom and the inverted pyramid seemed to come down and "eat" them, signalling the end of the main show. Chants of "We want more!" rang out around the arena. And more there was. Matt & Chris came back on and started playing Uprising, with the pyramid still surrounding Dom. And then a projection started - one of Dom fending of men in suits, like a ninja, in a red jumpsuit. Then the pyramid went up and there he was - wearing the red jumpsuit. Following this, Knights of Cydonia, which was just absolutely incredible, as always.

Then they went off AGAIN. And once more, chants of "We want more!" echoed around me. So, back on they came and launched themselves, heart & soul, into Starlight. Just another one of my favourite songs to see performed live, because it is a song that will never fail to lift your spirits - ever.

They then finished off on Survival, the song that was written for the Olympics, but has almost frightening undertones (You were warned and didn't listen and So I told you). And what a perfect song this was to finish up on. Yet another behemoth of a song, you can't help but sing along. Chris then stood on the stage in front of us, puffs of smoke enveloping him. Then it came for that moment - the moment when Matt has to hit the highest note a man has ever had to try and hit in the history of the world ever (slight exaggeration...) - and he did. Perfectly.

And then it was the end. We filed out of the arena, dazed, confused and elated. I staggered out of the arena, phoning my dad (my first words were a husky "I touched Matt Bellamy") and back to the hotel. I went to sleep reasonably quickly - my feet still hurting and my ear still ringing. But ecstatic.

That's the feeling you get when you see Muse - a feeling of absolute euphoria, coupled with an unexpected grief afterwards. They've done it again though - put on another absolutely EPIC show and blown me away.

Matthew Bellamy, Christopher Wolstenholme & Dominic Howard - I salute you.